Valentinus [really cool] est

You know what? I could say "Valentine is really cool" all in Latin if I wanted to. So don't think I can't. Because I can.

Well, it's that time of year - sad, pathetic people whine because they have no significant other or even a flesh-puppet to share their sad, pathetic lives. And we could do that here. We could whine. There's practically unlimited room and bandwidth, so we could all sit around moping. But we won't. Do you know why?

Because:

(1) whining is incredibly annoying

(2) we'd be like her
(3) nothing. There is no third thing. One, incredibly annoying; two, be like her; three, almost fanatical devotion to the Pope...oh, come in again....

And speaking of the Pope (as you knew we inevitably would), why not investigate today's Pope of the Day who happens to be named - right, you guessed it - Innocent! No, damn, it's Valentine. I mess that up every time. Pope Valentine.

Pope Valentine was pope for forty days in 827. He did absolutely nothing and we have no record of him at all.

Right, well, that's done. But of course Valentine's Day wasn't named for Pope Valentine, that forty day flash in the papal pan, it was named for St. Valentine. Unfortunately, there were three Saint Valentines, and none of them had anything to do with love, lust, or any other l-word. All three were early Christian martyrs whose feast days are listed as February 14th, that's all. And we don't really know anything about them, either. Except, obviously, that they died.

Gosh, you're thinking, why the heck do we call it Valentine's Day, then? It doesn't make sense!

Well, yes, you're right. We ought to call it "Be like a bird day." Apparently, Valentine's Day takes its name from the fact that round about the Feast of St. Valentine (that's February 14th - are you keeping up?) birds started to pair up. Two turtledoves and all that. Chaucer, in his Parliament of Foules, wrote

For this was sent on Seynt Valentyne's day
Whan every foul cometh ther to choose his mate.

Okay, fine. But here's an interesting fact. Not only were the birds pairing up, but it was not uncommon for birds to serve as a medieval symbol of uncontrollable lust.

Aha, you say, this is more like it. Uncontrollable lust! Tell me more!

Why, of course I will! In Canto V of Inferno, which deals with the damned lovers Paolo and Francesca, Dante compares the condemned souls to birds:

I reached a place mute of all light,
which bellows as the sea in tempes
tossed by conflicting winds.

The hellish squall, which never rests,
sweeps spirits in its headlong rush,
tormenting, whirls and strikes them...

I understood that to such torment
the carnal sinners are condemned
they who make reason subject to desire.*

As, in cold weather, flocks of starlings
bear them up in wide, dense flocks.
so does that blast propel the wicked spirits...

Just as cranes chant their mournful songs,
making a long line in the air,
thus I saw approach, heaving plaintive sighs,
shades lifted on that turbulence...

*Editor's note - this means you.

Dante Alighieri, Inferno, V.34-49

Right, so now you know all about Valentine's Day. Or maybe you don't. It doesn't matter, though, because it's V-Week and you should go see The Vagina Monologues! I've taken the liberty of putting up a poster here on the blog for you to look at (ostensibly so you have all the information, but really in a fit of vanity...because I made the poster. Do you like it?).